Understanding his Confusion
by Kusanagi-Kiba
Summary: Kanda often find himself feeling strangely around Lenalee the last while, but he cannot figure out or acknowledge why. He is confronted by her soon enough and must find a way in himself to express what he's hiding from them both. Rated T for mild romance


** Understanding his Confusion**

Um..wow, I have not written any fanfic in AGES. I'm sorry...lol. I shouldve updated my HanaRukia one x_x... I feel bad. I think I was in a writer block and than forgot about it eventually.

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Kanda stood silent. He usually did not have mind to watching Lenalee go about her daily business, but he had not seen her in so long, so he made it an exception to look at her today. She was always something different to him, yet he could not place finger on it, or did not want to..for Kanda did not fall in love, he had duties and his pride to attend to. And, liking girls was a sign of weakness...no, he could not let himself fall for anyone...but when He saw Lenalee now again, he felt relieved. He did not know why...was it because he knew she was safe? Or because he personally missed her...Kanda did not want to find out the answers to this...but it was too late once he found her standing infront of him

."Is something wrong, Kanda?" She said, in her usual kind voice.

"Uh...no. Nothing is wrong..." Kanda hesitated defensively.

"You sure?" Lenalee glanced at about him to see if he was injured.

"Y-Yes...I'm sure...."

"You don't seem so...you want something to eat? I can make-"

Kanda interrupted her by grabbing her arm. "I'm Okay...really. Just...never mind".Kanda started towards the hallway to his room when he started to feel a strange pain of guilt for doing so. He turned around and saw Lenalee still standing there, watching him, she looked depressed. He kept walking anyway,spiting his guilt.

Kanda made it to his room and lay on his bed for some few hours. He often did so when he was not meditating or training himself privately. He hear a knock on his door some minutes later. "Must be Beansprout" He grumbled as he got up and opened the door. Once more however to his surprise was Lenalee. In front of Him.

"You need something?" He asked, being himself.

"Um...no, not really..." She was looking uncertain.

Than?..."

"I just wanted to talk to you, that's all. I won't waste your time...if you don't want me to I'll leave...'kay?"

Kanda sighed. "Okay..." he sat down to listen to her.

"Um...Kanda. I'm not sure how to say this, but...I think I've been feeling down. I mean...I don't know. I'm used to seeing everyone how they are...Allen is in a good mood, Lavi too...Kanda is himself, as is everyone else...but sometimes, I feel like your not really showing yourself, you know?...sometimes it pains me."

"Mhm?"

"Well...it's just...are you really okay with being so alone? Don't you ever feel like you want to be around us?...or...me?" Lenalee tried to make it mild as to not creep him away.

"..." Kanda fell quiet. "I guess...Lenalee...you know, you make me feel guilt" he smirked remorseful in shame. His bangs hid his eyes.

"Guilt?" Lenalee felt somewhat surprised.

"Yes...guilt. I feel bad when I ignore you. And I'm not sure why, okay? I know we've been around one another for awhile, however, I do not often have guilt over such actions towards people here..."

"Kanda...?"

He said nothing. Only thing Lenalee could pick up was his body language, or facial expressions...which were usually angry or apathetic to say the least...or at times had seem him looking regretful, either of actions towards himself or others, she had not known.

The room was awkwardly silent.

Kanda appeared to be struggling with himself to say or agree with himself on something, but what Lenalee could not figure out. Not until She felt a cold hand on her shoulder, as he stood up and looked her straight in the eye. Lenalee looked confused, but Kanda was determined to straighten out his own confusion. He stood there silent a while longer, and let himself ease closer towards her without fighting against himself.

"...Kanda?"

"...Be quiet...I'm trying to understand you". He closed in to her face, making her blush. It was not long before Lenalee felt his hand touch her cheek. She tried to say something but got caught in his now calm, understanding eyes.

" I think I feel a different sort of pain around you...one I cannot heal with herbs and ointment." Said Kanda, stroking her face and to her hair. He did so for several minutes before they realized how close their faces were. Slowly he found himself nearing, and than found something in him to close his eyes and to her lips. Lenalee did not reject any of his behaviour, but opened up to him and returned his feelings.

After what felt like long minutes, they broke apart. "...Kanda.." Lenalee looked up at him.

"...Hm?"

"I guess...I was afraid of how you would react...if I told you how I felt. You might've been mad at me...I did not want to know what" she cried.

"And I felt angry for feeling such things...does it not make me weak?"

"No, Kanda...it doesn't. It can make you strong if you let it. Do yo trust me?"

"Yes, who does not?" Kanda replied in truth.

"Well..." She started for an explanation."Sometimes...when we feel down, and cannot feel strong with ourselves...it feels good to have somebody. Someone you can share your hurt with...even if only one, one person. If you have nothing else to live for at times, you can live for the being of that person, too."

"...I think...I understand. However, if you tried to explain it before, I quite surely would have rejected that sort of lecture"

"I-I didn't intend it as a lecture...Okay?"

"I know..." He looked at her and touched her hair once more.

Lenalee sighed in relief. "..I'm so glad".

"Lenalee?"

"Yes?"

"Perhaps what I've been trying to tell myself...was,...I think, I love you..." Kanda felt a struggle, and a strange feeling in his stomach letting it out...but surely he did. And she was happy to hear it, as he was to see her smile back on her face again he so admired.

"Let's go outside...I want to show you something I've not allowed anyone else to see..."

"Oh? What is it?" Lenalee felt excited.

"You'll see...it's quite..beautiful". Beautiful. It came out of his mouth...but surely, he enjoyed peaceful environments when he meditated. And So, finally, Kanda had someone, and he did not have to die over feeling like he had a second purpose to live when it's too late. Although knowing his days cut shorter than some, He would live them more fulfilled to that end. He swore even after he would look after her till he met her once more. He would let her keep hold of his Lotus till the last petal dropped, and afterwords in her care he would be as much as she would under his.

**The End.** (of what is written at least...it's not like they stopped living inside the story.)


End file.
